By Huiping Iler
2013 has been an eventful year for me. Turning 40 is pretty big – considering the next big birthday will be 50. I am crossing over the line between youth and middle aged. My youngest child turned 5 in 2013 which I also consider a mile stone. Parenting a child before the age of 5 is the most intense and it is a lot about the daily grind (from diapers before 2 to helping them wash hands, getting dressed). After 5, they become much more independent and turn into interesting little persons with their own world views.
But the blockbuster event of 2013 is probably my separation from my spouse of 11 years (being together for 18 years). Exiting a long term relationship is no small potato and for sure leads me to reflect more on life, self and the road ahead.
I started making a comparison of myself now with when I was in my twenties.
My gifts
When I was 20, I did not know very well what my gifts were.
I knew I was a quick learner but that was about it. I did not quite understand why I excelled in certain things and struggled in others. I had not a clear idea on aligning myself with work that I am truly gifted at.
In the years that followed especially in the last 7 years since I moved to Ottawa, I made leaps and bounds in terms of understanding my strengths and weaknesses. For example, I now know that I am very good at identifying opportunities and solving problems very creatively. But I rely on others to execute my vision and that is the key to my effectiveness. When I find the right execution partner, my effectiveness is magnified. But when I don’t, my good ideas remain ideas, no sweet payout.
The strong self awareness has helped me greatly. My journey is no longer constantly interrupted by frustrations of failure. I use an ongoing feedback loop to guide myself to fine tune my work and life – leverage my strengths and minimize my weaknesses.
Being alone
When I was in my late teens and early twenties, I was very afraid of being alone. I had to be with someone all the time. That translates into being non-selective and ignoring alarm bells about my partner. Being in relationships with partners that were not well suited to me brought negative energy and diverted me from living a more full, peaceful life filled with contentment.
Today I am ok being alone.
My life is richer, and I am not referring to money. I have a lot of friends, some I met through work, some through tennis. Some are my neighbours. I enjoy my days – meaningful and interesting work; improving my tennis skills and playing with people I like; visiting friends and also hosting them at my place; having a quiet evening at home reading books or typing my thoughts in Evernote; decluttering and decorating my home so that it is a tranquil and beautiful place to be in, for my body and soul.
My life is great as it is. Maybe one day I will share it with a new partner. But that person has to compliment my life and enrich it, nothing less.
What is joyful to me
When I was 20, I did not know what nourishes my soul and bring genuine joy to me. For the years that followed, I went on many holidays (some very costly) but few brought genuine happiness to me.
What I discovered is that what I really enjoy are moments of authentic, genuine connection with my friends. That usually takes place in intimate, one on one conversations when we share – life’s ups and downs, joys and sorrows.
For example, one of my favourite things to do is visit with my neighbour Philippa once the kids are in bed. Sometimes she will come over to my house, sometimes I go over to hers. We talk about everything – love, sex, money, affairs on the lane we live on, our husbands, kids.
The moments of authentic connection are my happiest moments – and it doesn’t require getting on an airplane and a waiter to serve me cocktails. And I have those moments fairly often, not just with Philippa but also with my other friends.
So now for me to pursue more happiness becomes very simple. I look at what brings me joy – and I realized I would be happy poor or rich because what makes me happy is very inexpensive.
My own definition of success
Success was a vague idea in my twenties. It was more about survival. Getting a job, paying my rent, applying for landed immigrant status. I did not have time or the mental space to think about what success meant to me. But now in my fourties, I think about success often, almost all the time, especially about what my own definition of success is.
I have been an entrepreneur for almost 16 years. I have met and befriended many other entrepreneurs and high level professionals. and I have never been more clear on the fact that “work hard, play hard” life style is not for me.
The pursuit of financial success drives many people to be sleep deprived, have no time to spend with their kids or spouses, no time to look after themselves physically or mentally. The feeling of empty success drives them to spend money to fill the void and feel their hard work is paying off. Then it is a vicious cycle of needing to make more money to pay for those splurges.
That is not for me.
I know what I want is described by two words “simple and slow.”
I like living simply, spending money only on things that improve my quality of life. I like living slowly so I have time to savour life’s beautiful moments. Having time to cook and chew slowly, to have enough beauty sleep, to be outside when the sun is shiny. Those are very important to me.
Choosing a life of simplicity and slow has a price – opportunity cost, so to speak. I miss out on opportunities to make more money and as a result being more financially successful. But that is ok with me. I have carefully evaluated the cost and benefit and I accept that I made a choice to live the life that I choose and willing to pay the price of admission.
My relationship with money
I was brought up with a healthy respect for money. Some kids grow up in poverty and never learn to respect and have the skills to manage money. I am lucky in that I grew up in poverty and I learned how to make money my friend and work for me.
In my twenties, I was very frugal. Sometimes that frugality probably got in the way of me enjoying life to the fullest. But over the years, I have “loosed my grip” and learned to use money for enjoyment – dining out at nice restaurants with friends, paying for top notch tennis coaching, buying nice clothes to make myself look nice.
But all in all, for me money is closely tied with my freedom. When I don’t need the money, nobody can force me to work with a pain-in-the-ass client; accept work that I don’t like; work longer hours than I’d like, all of those things.
I try very hard so that I rarely “need the money.”
I work very hard to find new clients, take good care of my existing clients and employees, identifying new niches, always on the lookout for what is the new trend in my industry. Those efforts allow me to make more money.
But I also watch what I spend very closely. I cook and eat at home – healthy and not as expensive compared to eating out; I buy things used whenever appropriate (including used toys and books for my kids at Christmas); I am good at doing more with less; All the little things add up.
Good fiscal management allows me to have a lot of flexibility and freedom. And that sums up my relationship with money.
On being beautiful
I have had a life long battle with acne so I struggle with the question whether I am beautiful on the outside.
But I know I have always aspired to be a beautiful person inside and out. And the outside beauty is no less important than what is inside.
So I do work hard on making myself look nice. I run my home bootcamps – doing 60 pushups (five sets of 12), sit-ups, weights several times a week. I even enrolled my kids now to join me so they can also learn to enjoy getting fit and have toned muscles.
This is a drastic contrast to me in my twenties. I was a sloth and hated exercise. Now I am still a sloth in many ways (enjoying living a slow life). But I enjoy being active and taking care of my body.
I recently learned how to blow dry my hair by watching Youtube videos. People have asked me – what did you do to your hair – it looks nice! Those are skills most girls here learn when they are teenagers. But in my teenage years, I was living in a communist county, studying 16 hours a day to get into college or the alternative would be to work a whole life in a factory!
But the journey to be beautiful inside and out is fun. I thrive on incremental improvements, whether it is to my hair and skin, or to my tennis game, or to the bottom line of my company’s financial statement. The discovery and learning brings me joy and a sense of accomplishment.
On living in the present
Dale Carnegie once said “happy people live in day-tight compartments.” Living one day at a time and enjoying today is the way I would like to live.
But sometimes I get sucked into living in the future: save for tomorrow, work hard so I can play when I am older, all of those things. Then I have to bring myself back to living in the present.
A day after we announced our separation, my 11-year old son Elliot was crying at bed time, upset by his parents split up. I told him what Dale Carnegie said about happy people living in day-tight compartments. I asked him to only worry about having a good night sleep that night and having a good day at school the next day. He nodded and went to sleep. In the couple of months following that night, there were a couple of occasions when I broke down into tears over the loss of my family unit, my son would come over – hug me and gently remind me to think about living life in day-tight compartments.
So that is what I try to do all the time: looking past what already happened and not feel like life was unfair to me; resist the temptation to live for tomorrow which may never come as life is unpredictable. I live for today: a fierce conversation, a tight tennis match, a spicy stir-fry, and a steamy romantic movie!
Looking ahead
Is 40 the new 20? I know I am getting older but I feel very young and sometimes like a kid!
Looking ahead, my life is about using all of my gifts and reaching my full potential, as an athlete, an entrepreneur, a person in pursuit of freedom and happiness. I look forward to new romantic relationships – to being in the company of other beautiful people, full of courage and not conformity; to working for the joy of working, not for economic necessity; to living a life of my own design – of contentment, balance, peace and reaching peak performance.